In This Corner...

2011-05-26T22:07:00.002-04:00

"I wear my crown of shit on my liar's chair.
Full of broken thoughts I cannot repair"

I have said before that it feels like there is a war going on inside my head. Time to introduce, in brief, some of those forces fighting for control. I have given them pretentious names because they better describe how they feel to me, or in me, or whatever.

The Grey: Ennui. Listlessness. Lack of ambition and drive. It's an unfeeling state of Blah. I sit and just exist. I sometimes go to sleep since there's nothing better to do. Nothing means anything and nothing interests me. Spiritual exhaustion. Always waiting for my life to finally start. This is almost my default mode these days when not caught up in one of the other two.

The Fire: Passion. Ambition. Drive. The motive force which pushes me to get things done by telling everything else to fuck off. Whatever my current goal is will be accomplished. Period. It is aware of the consequences, it just doesn't care. Anger. Violence. Rage. I will unleash all of these and more on anyone who gets in my way.

The Dark: "Nothing you ever do is good enough." "You will never be good enough." "Nothing you do will ever matter." "You will always fail." "They're all laughing at you behind your back." "Of course, they say those positive things, it's because they're your spouse/family/etc. They have to say those things to you." "She never really loved you." Self-loathing. Inferiority. Insecurity. Hopelessness. All of that amplified a hundred-fold.

I'll talk more about each of these forces in more detail. It's hard sometimes since my emotions bounce around back and forth too frequently.

Repurposed

2011-04-24T00:55:00.001-04:00

"If the war inside my head won't take a day off I'll be dead."

I need an outlet for all the shit banging around in my head. All the voices and the screaming and yelling. I realize and recognize that I'm fucked up. Maybe getting it all out will help? I don't know. It's not like I have anyone who really wants to hear about it in person.

So, I'll be posting raw thoughts from my twisted mind. Some of it will be navel-gazing. Some of it will be ranting. Some of it might upset people. But fuck it, it's my mind. If nothing more it'll be some nice fuel for when they have me committed.

Wyrd Ideas

In This Corner...

Repurposed